.part 1. ChildhoodWhen I was young
Relationships didn’t make sense
The interactions
Generally just man and woman
The implicit rule that you can’t be close with
Anyone else
That one’s intimacy belongs to another
I try to think back
And I think that I had avoided closeness
For years
When I did start dating
At around seventeen
Two of my first three girlfriends
Were lesbians
Closeted
In a christian environment
Using me
A person who appears to be male
To appear straight
I can’t say I blame them
But it certainly shaped the way I feel about myself
And my hesitance to start new relationships
.part 2. RealizationThe strange entitlement to one’s partner’s
Social life
Physical touch
And Emotional labour
Was never something I felt comfortable with
When jealousy is commensurate with love
Where acknowledgement of attraction to
People who are also attractive
Makes you a cheater
Or a bad person
Or says you don’t love your partner
As if your love is directly proportional to how physically attractive you find your partner
Where ones love for a partner
Leaves less love for others
And one’s main task
Is to fulfill every need
For the person whom you’ve chosen
.part 3. Paradigm ShiftI was twenty-four before I ever heard
The term polyamory
Or consensual non-monogamy
Special thanks to my friend Taylor
Whom I called
“Cute Chai Latte Librarian” for years
Before a chance online encounter
Changed my whole world
Polyamory was a revelation
A paradigm shift
I don’t need to fulfill a single person’s every need
I don’t need a single person to fulfill all of mine
My relationships can be defined however I want
With each other’s consent
Friends can fuck
And lovers don’t need to
I tell my best friend that I love him
Every day
And kiss his forehead
Every chance I get
What matters is that we
Communicate
To the best of our ability
And love without restraint
Every moment that I breathe
The air of self realization is potent
Who I thought I was is dead
And who I am is growth